Elf

11 random things in life

Don't they look great. I'll take a picture of mine.

1. I watched a woman clean a bench that I was sitting on for literally five minutes. I wanted to offer her to sit on my jacket because of the labor it took, but then I figured she would probably want to run that through the washing machine first.
2. So, as many of you probably won’t believe I am very into cooking/baking these days.  This morning I made cottage cheese oatmeal banana pancakes. They are healthy and have lots of protein in them. Seriously so good, you should try them. Okay the first two I made were not really pancakes, more a pile of the ingredients, but at least it didn’t matter that they were raw because you can eat all those ingredients plain. How do you people make pancakes not burn on the outside, but cook all the way through? It’s tough. My last one was perfect though. I needed to turn the heat down and let them cook longer. Who would have thought? 
3. I am going to attempt birthday cake blondies this week for Lisa’s birthday and I baked some Oatmeal Chocolate bars for my brothers friend who I promised I would make a batch for and they didn’t really turn out. I mean they tasted well, and I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal to substitute light butter for real butter and vanilla sauce for caramel. My mom informed me that it makes a big deal though to use light butter. So long for being healthy. 
4. I have been volunteering on Wednesdays with a Christian nonprofit called Alabaster Jar. We work with women on the streets involved in prostitution and just go out and give them coffee and tea and talk to them about Jesus or ask to pray with them, etc. There also is a Café that is on the main street, which we open from 9-11:00 at night for them women to come in and make jewelry, eat, drink, and just hang out. It has been such a blessing being a part of this organization and I have such a heart for these women. It has been incredible watching God work and just how huge prayer is because it is a spiritual warfare on the streets. God is doing big things and I have a passion for this kind of ministry, so I am glad I am getting to be a part of it. There are 500-600 brothels in Berlin alone and at least 6,000 women registered as prostitutes. Many of which are trafficked from nearby countries. Organizations like these though can make a difference and can help rescue these women from this lifestyle.
5. My parents come in like six weeks to visit. I am really excited and Michael booked his ticket to come here. We are travelling around Europe and staying with different people we know around Christmas time. I am SO excited for visitors.
6. Next Friday, my team is going to Oktoberfest here in Berlin as a team so that should be fun to spend time outside of soccer together.
7.  I have a new friend named Jessica that is an answer to prayer. She is from America and she is a Christian that plays basketball in Berlin. We got connected kinda through the grapevine, but it has been neat to hang out and get to know each other. We went to church last Saturday together and just did life, which was refreshing. She is definitely an encouragement to me and understands sports, so it has been nice to talk to her.
8.  I have been reading Don’t Waste Your Life, by John Piper. It is such a great book and definitely puts things in perspective of what we are living for. One thing he recently wrote that got me to thinking was how often in life we say, “What’s wrong with this show? Or what is wrong with wearing or doing this?”, when really we should be asking, “How is this going to bring me closer to the Lord? Or how will this help me display who Christ is?” I realize how often I can justify things in life and really we should be always trying to be a light of who Christ is. Just been wrestling with what it looks like to be radical in my faith and not waste my life.
9. I have been craving pumpkin flavored things lately. Like for some reason I just want to bake lots of pumpkin things. The only problem is you can’t buy pumpkin puree in Germany so you have to make it homemade and that just seems like so much work. I think I will eventually.
10. Another thing that I have been thinking about is how often people tell little lies in life. Like they tell people they miss them or they are praying for them. When in all reality you aren’t praying for them and really you don’t miss them. Lately I have been really trying to only say things that I really mean in life. I mean why do we feel the need to say we miss people when we don’t? Or pray when we have no intention of praying? So now you know if I tell you I miss you or I am praying for you, I actually am or do. I usually pray right there in the moment. I want to be a person of integrity and I want to be real. I don’t want to say things I don’t mean. So often we can talk the talk, but we don’t walk the walk.
11. As much as fall means that winter is to follow, I am enjoying the cardigan, scarf, vest, sweatshirt weather. But what I do not enjoy is the being cold on the way to the train and then sweating profusely when I am there. So what’s worse? Being cold with not much clothing on outside, or being extremely hot once you arrive somewhere? I think I choose being cold outside. Nobody wants to be that stinky kid coming in from playing outside.

Viel leute

It’s interesting; in the last week or so I have been doing a lot of thinking about life in general. I can’t explain it, but God has definitely been working in my life and has brought me to an interesting place. For so long I have been a fighter in life in everything I do. When I want to accomplish something, I will do whatever I have to do to get there or reach my goal. Which most people would say is a good quality to have, which I agree to a certain extent, but because of that when it comes to my walk with the Lord often I try to do so much. I often struggle with viewing it as a race with a finish line that is moving and because of this it drives me crazy since I am goal oriented. Lately I have really been focusing on trying to seek FIRST the Lord, rather than all the other things in life that so easily distract me. As many of you know, I love people. I love talking to people, being around people, meeting people, serving people, and just anything that involves interacting with people. The amount of people I interact with in Germany is a lot less than in America obviously because of language barriers, having fewer friends and as mentioned in earlier posts, talking to strangers isn’t the most popular thing to do. It has been lonely at times and often I miss talking and processing with people. Have you ever had the feeling of being surrounded by so many people, but still feeling so alone? Or picking up your phone because you want to talk/process with someone, but you look through your phone book and then just putting your phone back down?

I tell you this because I have experienced all these things being in Germany. But in the last couple weeks I am starting to see some of the things that God has been working with me on and one of those is being less of a fighter to a certain extent. Instead of always “trying” to do more, I have focused on just being. When I say that I mean instead of fighting to run this race, rather just sit in the Lord’s presence and surrender. I have noticed this with many relationships in my life that I have fought for for so long, but I finally have come to the point where I just don’t want to fight. And it isn’t a throwing in the towel kind of thing; it is more just looking at it from a different perspective. You can’t make someone care, and you can’t make someone want to be in your life, so why not cherish the relationships that are in your life that can be a blessing, rather than trying so hard to fight for the ones that God may be telling you to let walk away. People come in and out of your life for different reasons and different seasons, and there isn’t anything wrong with it. I struggle with this because I love keeping in touch with people and I love people in general, but the Lord is teaching me to just “be” rather than “try” so hard to fight for so many things/people that maybe God is calling me to let go of in one way or another. Maybe you can relate to this, I guess it has been a freeing process and let me tell you it is only the beginning, but I can see God working.

Es ist egal.

I feel like every blog I right starts out with the same thing and that is well, where do I begin. I guess I just never know what to say to now make a post awkward and let's be real we all know writing isn't my strong suit. Especially on a blog. This last weekend we traveled as a team to Gütersloh for our second round Pokal game. The Pokal tournament lasts from August to May and it is to find the best team in all of Germany among both first and second Bundesliga, but obviously it is the first teams that win. We were playing to make it to the final 16 teams, and we played against Gütersloh, who is in our league. It was about a five hour bus ride, which I forgot how much I do not fitting my tall self into those bus seats, but regardless it wasn't too bad. We trained when we arrived on Saturday after checking into our hotel and then ate a "healthy" pregame meal, which was not healthy in the slightest bit. Schnitzel, French fries, salad, and then birthday cake. Nothing like getting ready for the big game.    The team had a dance party and I watched Roger Federer lose (what a pity). I was bummed. Our game was at 11:00 in the morning and we ended up losing 4-2. Towards the end of the game there was a fiasco because I went up to head the ball and didn't see one of my teammates so I kneed (not sure if that's how you spell that) in the leg and we were both laid there for a second and then our physio came on to help her. At this point in the game it was a corner kick, so we were on the field and the ref came up and told me I had to leave the field (in German obviously). Which I didn't really understand, but supposedly we both needed to because when the physio comes and gives medical attention, then you have to exit.

Well this sent everyone into rage because I didn't get medical attention so I shouldn't have had to leave. At this point the game is 3-2. I have no idea whether what is going on, but I leave the field and then one they take the corner my coach says, "Jetzt!" which means now, so I go running on the field and so does the other girl. Only for the referee to blow her whistle and greet us both with yellow cards, which was bad because the other girl already had a yellow so that meant a red. All in all I stood there dumbfounded because I couldn't argue the situation in English, and nobody was giving me directions. One of those moments it would help if you knew the language fluently. Today, I had another moment, but actually maybe it was just a dumb moment rather than not knowing the language. I was going to practice and a woman that is one of our managers put up her hand and said "fünf" like three times. So that being said you always greet the coaches, so I assumed she was asking for a high five since "fünf" is five, but in all reality she was telling me that we were in locker room five. So she got the high five that I thought she was asking for and just kind of looked at me funny. Then I put it together and realized she clearly wasn't asking for a high five.

I have been thinking a lot lately. Which I do a lot I guess. But I have been thinking about my future and what God has for me. It's like I wonder where the line of planning and trusting God is? Because often you have to plan, for example taking the GRE if you want to go to grad school. But I guess in all reality the Lord will close the door in one way or another. Sometimes I struggle with knowing exactly where I am supposed to be. And there are so many things that I want to do in life, but where do I start, because what if God doesn't have that plan. I understand to pray about it, but if only it was that easy. So today I made a list of possibilities. Tomorrow I will possibly write some pros and cons and pray over them. Not possibly pray, but possibly pros and cons. Regardless, I wish I could just get a message in a bottle. Or in a fortune cookie. I realize I like answers in life, but at the same time I love the mystery of the unknown. People always ask, if you could flash your future spouse on a TV screen right now, would you? I always answer no way, that is so boring. Because like we learned in the "Importance of Being Ernest", "The essence of romance is uncertainty." Good ole' high school English class. Those were the days. Roman noses. Unimportant details on quizzes. Plans to go on a "tangent". Well now I am just rambling, I'll let you know if I get a letter in the mail from God about my future.

Der Schrank ist offen.

Well it has been awhile since I blogged. I guess for a number of different reasons, but I figured today I have a little time so I will. Where to begin? Last time I wrote I just talked about how flying isn’t fun at all. I have been back in Germany for about two weeks now, and it has been great to get back into a routine, but it has been interesting. Honestly, I thought it would be a lot harder coming back than it has been. Partly I think I was just so overly tired that I was too tired to think about being sad, etc. But also I think going home gave me a greater sense of peace knowing that Berlin is where I am supposed to be.

Miss them so much. And Dad too.

This last week has been probably one of the toughest times since I have been here. I am not sure exactly why, but I think I just have felt like more pieces of the onion are being peeled back and because of that I feel exposed and at a place of brokenness. There have been a couple nights where I sit in my room and feel so alone, but there is nothing about me that wants to pick up my phone and text someone or even Skype someone. Where as in most cases I would do that, but the Lord is starting to bring me to this place of just seeking Him rather than busying myself with other things/people or even seeking affirmation from others. I think one of the things I have struggled with most is just feeling understood and here that lacks because you aren’t the same person since you can’t communicate the way you normally would. I think of my team and they probably think I am so shy and quiet because I am an observer. But then it is like when I talk to people from home, etc. I feel misunderstood because you can’t accurately explain how life is over here. That would mean explaining the culture, people; etc., which isn’t the easiest thing to do. Therefore, I guess I just have started to take a step back and just process my emotions with the Lord and wrestle through them.

On Tuesday, we had a team (AIA) meeting and Lisa shared an article with us that I found so true. It was called, “Leave the Cupboard Doors Open”. First of all I could relate because it started out talking about how open cupboards drive her nuts and as many know that is one of my biggest pet peeves is when cupboards are left open or shower curtains. Many times I ask people, how hard is it to shut a drawer or cupboard when you are done using it, but the harder question to ask is, “Why is it harder to leave them open with the mess exposed?” I think of when I lived at home, first thing I did every morning when I would wake up was walk upstairs and first shut the shower curtain after my dad and then shut Heidi’s door to her room to hide the pigsty that always existed. There is something about when we close the door we can pretend it doesn’t exist. This seems irrelevant to life, but in the article it goes on about spiritually how often we want to close the cupboards and find a solution to a problem or difficult time rather than just being okay with the open ended ness to a hard time. We quickly try to find a way to shut the cupboards, which so often can be more detrimental than the problem itself because many times God is using those moments to work in our lives. Then she made a great point that I never realized before and that was often when we go through a hard time whether that is a huge change in life or something as serious as a death in our family, there is always tons of support right in the beginning. Everyone wants to encourage and support you, but then as time goes on the support wears off and when you are struggling and want to talk about it, many people tell you to get over it or move on because it has been so long. They feel that the cupboard doors need to be shut and the mess needs to be hidden. That you should have gotten it together a long time ago, or that maybe you caused the problem yourself. When in reality God is working more than ever through this long, drawn out process and amidst the prayers and searching times don’t become instantly better. She goes on to write that closure is overrated and trying harder to look for an outcome will not make it easier, but rather embrace the open cupboard, deal with the mess, search through it and watch God work in midst of it. It was interesting because I had just been studying this scripture recently, which is Lamentations 3:1-24 and especially Lamentations 3:22-23, which says, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” I love these verses. They have been such a comfort to me throughout the last week.

So if you are reading this, I guess my challenge is to ask yourself what are those cupboard doors in your life that you are trying to rush and close? Maybe the Lord is keeping them open for a reason and don’t let people around you pressure you to overcome the hard time or find a quick solution, rather seek the Lord and watch Him work in your life in ways that He has never done before. It is hard and messy, and trust me I don’t like doing it, but I think in the end it will be that much sweeter.

On a lighter note, I saw the pirate again the other day walking near my house. I was so close to asking him for a photo, but I didn’t know if he would be offended. Maybe next time. It is starting to feel like fall here, which I guess it never felt completely like summer, but it makes sleeping nice. Below is a picture of something I really want to do in Germany. I saw it on a friend’s wall and I am determined to do it sometime in Hamburg.

Walk Water Balls

Lieber später als gar nicht.

Kristen, Rachel and I
 (note: 32 hours of no sleep = extreme bags under eyes)

I forget how much flying sucks. Seriously, I can’t remember the last time that I have ever arrived somewhere on time and with no problems. There is always some kind of problem. As of last Tuesday, well it was supposed to be Monday; I flew back to Minnesota as some of you know. My flight to London was quite the disaster to begin with when I took a short snooze before takeoff, only to realize that when I woke up we still hadn’t moved because our flight was delayed an hour. Awesome. Kristen and Rachel were meeting me in Chicago for my four hour layover, so that cut a big chunk of time out. Then on the flight, I was surrounded by all these long haired men that I think drank about 10 mini bottles of wine. One that was two seats away got drunk and was snoring like a moose and the guy behind me had his foot on my armrest. As you know I hate feet. I almost vomited. And the girl next to me had horrible breath. She told me she was running late, must mean she skipped the toothbrush. Never good. The flight seemed like an eternity though and I couldn’t sleep for the life of me. I literally just watched the time tick. I wrote ten pages in my journal, practiced my German and played every game on my IPod. I had a window seat, which is good for leaning your head against, but the problem was I couldn’t sleep. Instead I had to pee and the window seat is not conducive to that when the people next to you are sleeping. Regardless finally we arrive an hour late, but then I had to go through customs. Which to my luck I went in the visitors line instead of the US citizens line. I contemplated showing my German passport, but I figured that it might take longer.

After I got through customs, I got to see Kristen and Rachel! It was awesome getting to see them, but since there weren’t any restaurants outside the security checkpoints, we decided to just sit outside and eat German chocolate. After a couple hours, I decided I should probably get going and go through security. I said my goodbyes and made my way to my gate. Only to find out that my flight was delayed until midnight instead of 10:30 pm. So annoying, which meant I wouldn’t get in until like 1:30am. I had my American cell phone on, so I called my ride and made them aware of the bad news. Then I went and found some food since the whole day I had been eating the chocolate that I had brought for gifts because that is all I had and at the airports I didn’t have any of the correct currencies. What I found was a 5 dollar bag of spicy Chex mix or something or other, which was a generic brand and clearly you should never get generic brand because it was horrible. Instead I ate more chocolate. So then comes the worst part of the night. I was talking on the phone at the top of the stairs of my gate. My flight was now pushed back to 12:30 because the airplane wasn’t going to arrive on time. I figured we were boarding at 12:30 for some reason and I was chatting away, checking the gate randomly, and watching for people to come up the stairs off the plane since I could see it from where I was. At 12:31am, I go downstairs and there is nobody there. They had boarded so I ask one man what’s going on and he says the gate had closed early. It was the last one of the night and he told me the first flight out was at 7:30am, but it was full so I could be standby. He said I could get on the 9am one. At this point I have been awake for 32 hours and it took every bit of strength to not start crying and screaming at this man. After a lost battle of begging him to open the gate since the plane was still there, I decided to go find some internet to pass time. This was great until my computer, phone, and iPod all died. I decided to try to sleep a bit, which was hopeless because I was freezing and all I had to cover up was a thin scarf. I am not use to the air conditioning and so my nose started running, etc. All in all it was a nightmare. The second good thing that happened besides seeing Kristen, Kath, and Rachel, was that there was one spot left on the 7am flight and so after being awake for 38 hours, I finally made it home. Memo to self, never leave your gate.

Spielen, Essen, Schlafen....

I am too lazy to write in paragraph form therefore I am going to use the alphabet.

A.      My life has been busy; last week was training camp for my soccer team. We went away for five days to a facility especially for training camps, which was an hour east of Berlin. We had three a days and on Monday we had a game against a Polish team. They were fast. At camp, I think for the first time I got to show a glimpse of my personality to the girls and started to come out of my shell a little more on and off the field. Pretty much our lives consisted of spielen, essen, und schlafen, which is playing, eating and sleeping. The facility was neat though, the German National handball team was there and so was the national volleyball and canoe team. Who knew there are National canoe teams? I really enjoy the women on my team though and it was great being able to spend time together outside of practice. We played the German version of Cranium and let’s just say that one girl shouted, “We should go first because we have the auslander (foreigner).” I counted myself as a half a person. I only did the ones that were drawing and let’s be real, I wasn’t good at that either. First of all, I asked if I was supposed to shut my eyes and they thought I was crazy, because in Cranium you do, so it seemed like a valid question. For one of my turns I was supposed to draw a word that meant fog in front of car headlights. I don’t even know how I would draw that in English even though you aren’t using words. How do you draw fog? I went with the bonfire smoke idea. Clearly didn’t work. We did win though. I mean I would guess, but my guesses were like Level 1 German words like to eat. And clearly that’s not in a game for adults. It was fun though.  The food was so good there, we had a buffet every meal and literally even though we were training three times a day I think we ate enough to break even in calories. They fed us well to say the least. We got to play beach volleyball for the first half hour of one practice, which was fun. It is so funny how going into things I never really know what to expect. Like packing for camp, I knew I just needed all my Hertha gear and then other sports clothes, but not nice clothes. Thank goodness. I show up to leave though and everyone is matching but me. Awesome. So I put on our matching travel jacket at least to make it look like a sad attempt to match. What I didn’t realize was that I needed no other clothes and literally we woke up every morning and put on our polos (Yes, you read correctly. Polos.) and warm up suits to go to breakfast. Then we changed in and out of our practice gear throughout the day only to always end my day in my lovely blue polo. I have two actually and when packing, I decided to only bring one because I was like it’s not like we will wear these during the week. Well, I should have known that is all we would wear. Training camp was overall really good though and I definitely enjoyed the time with the team and getting to know the girls.

B.      The next question of this blog is do foxes attack? So I was at camp and I was talking to my mom through Skype and I was walking by myself on the long path to where we slept  and I saw a fox. I just first stopped at stared at it hoping that it would think I was a tree. It definitely didn’t, it just started creeping towards me and I totally thought that they were scared of people, but then I thought that maybe I was mixing it up with another animal like a deer. So I decided I needed to run just in case, not to mention I have my big soccer bag. Wearing my polo. It still kind of kept running towards me so I ran to a bench and jumped on it. Thinking that I guess it couldn’t get me there even though they for sure can jump. It just stared for a while and then became disinterested. I know not much for a climax, you probably thought it was gonna bite me or something. Well it didn’t. I am glad no Germans saw me standing on a bench in my polo scared of a fox.

C.      Today, we had a game against Jena. They are in the first league. We lost 2-1. I couldn’t play because I am hurt. I am back in the good ole’ boot until Thursday. Regardless, that’s not the moral of the story. I was sitting on the bench during the game and it is interesting we play teams at neutral sites, but yet we have all these random fans there. It is like we have more fans there than I ever did at a college soccer game including all our parents. All of sudden like ten minutes before half time all these cowboys and women with huge, poufy skirts show up. They are dressed like they are from the time when that was popular, which I don’t even know. They were carrying in speakers and I was like oh yikes, maybe these people have a show going on here today or something. Nope, I was wrong. Tends to be the case these days. They were our halftime show. Sure enough, they set up their speakers and at half time (Lucky me, I got to stay and watch.) they fancied their way onto the field and turned on their hoedown  country music and started line/square/two stepping dancing or whatever you want to call it. I leaned over to my teammate and asked, “Is this normal?” but don’t worry she was just as surprised. I was hoping they could at least play some good country music, I mean country is nonexistent over here or so I thought. Just another day living in Germany. Love it.

D.      Exactly a week from tomorrow I will be on an airplane back to the US for my best friend’s wedding. I am really excited, but nervous at the same time. I think I might have culture shock and it will be interesting from going to being alone a lot and traveling alone to always being around people that I know and driving a car. I am so excited to see my family though and very excited for the wedding and all the festivities. A little nervous for the public speaking, as many of you know it is not exactly my favorite thing to do or one of my talents. But it will all work out in the end. So if you could pray for safe travels that would be great.  Chipotle here I come!!

Leben



Three weeks from today I get to see them! :)

If you don’t know me that well then this post you may not follow or care to follow for that matter, but that is okay. I tend to just inform people of the events of my life and then say that I will tell you what I am feeling or thinking in the next post, but never get to it. So here it goes. LIFE. Sometimes I wonder what happened to sitting on letter “Q” in Kindergarten and not having a worry in the world. Or often I just watch kids on the train or where ever and how they hate napping and think to myself if only you knew how much you would want this nap later in life. Crazy how things are just the opposite as you get older. That was kind of a side tangent I guess, but yeah to be quite frank, it has been hard the last week over here. Starting soccer added a whole different element to my life obviously and honestly is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. You probably think that sounds crazy, but I never would have imagined either. Looking back on before I came here I always just thought soccer is soccer, the ball is round in America and it is round in Germany so just play. Which is true to a certain extent, but that doesn’t account for the communication part of it. It isn’t even that it is physically that hard as much as it is mentally and emotionally. God has been challenging me on different aspects like: why do I play soccer, and where does my identity lie and do I only like it when I am the best. I have sat through, given and heard so many times about playing for the glory of God and using your talents that He has blessed you with as an act of worship. All of this is so easy to say, but so hard to do and I have realized this in a whole new light.

I look back on last week’s practices and there were times where I literally wanted to just start crying on the field. Let me remind you my coaches speak next to no English, and some of the girls do but it is a lot to ask someone to translate everything for you, so in reality I find out a tenth of what goes on. I am always a step behind because I have to watch first, which sounds like not a big deal, but there really isn’t sympathy for that. Not to mention the game of soccer is a lot different of a game over here and so often I want to ask where I should be or what I should be doing, but I can’t. I never realized how much receiving the little bits of affirmation from your coaches actually helped affirm if you are doing the right or wrong thing. I get so nervous because I don’t want to let people down and then I play bad and then I do let people down so it’s this cycle. Satan was attacking me like crazy and just putting thoughts in my head that these girls won’t like me if I am not good, and then I will be known as the “bad American”. It all sounds so stupid, but it is intimidating walking onto a team of 25 girls and not speaking the same language. After this practice in particular I was just wrestling with the Lord in my head the whole way home.  Literally having a dialogue with myself.  Being like, ok Elizabeth why do you care if they think you are good? And what if you do never step on the field? Then I would catch myself thinking, but I am better than that girl and she plays, but then getting mad at myself thinking why do you have to put her down to make yourself feel better. Honestly just a battle in my head and then just wrestling with, do you only like soccer when you are the best and when it comes easy. Because honestly at this point, I just have to be mentally tough, show up and play and even if I get no feedback I just have to continue to guess what I am supposed to do. I have really challenged myself to be in constant prayer throughout practice though and pray for patience. The girls are all nice and some do speak English with me, but I lack confidence with my German and get really nervous, which hopefully I will overcome with time. This all might not make sense to you, but I guess for the first time I realized deep down at the root of me I have to know that in every aspect of my life my identity in the Lord. Even when things aren’t easy and I am not the best, because if you know me, you know that I do like to be the best at things and I hate being bad at things. The Lord is humbling me though and I am learning so much through soccer.

On top of all that, I have been reading a book called, “What’s so Amazing About Grace?” by Philip Yancey, which is really good. It has taught me a lot about what it looks like to love “different people” and in the world we live where it is so unnatural to extend grace how we can do it and why we should. Also how so often as much as we don’t want to admit it, we sin knowing that the Lord will forgive us. But like in Romans 6:1-2 it says, “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means!” and a huge part that many people forget about grace is that we have to receive it. This is through repentance and when we repent we are in a defenseless state. It is crazy though to think how often I can live life and forget to truly repent and be “defenseless”. To me that is like going into battle without a weapon and instead I choose to justify rather than become defenseless before the Lord. Grace is something I struggle with wrapping my head around and that it is a free gift. Then you put the whole Grace vs. Truth in the mix and it’s a whole different conversation. Well there are a lot more things that the Lord has been revealing to me, but this is a glimpse into my life. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I am crazy. At the end of the day, even though life can be hard, God is good and I want to be able to say that I picked up my cross, denied myself, and chased hard after the Lord.