Der Schrank ist offen.

Well it has been awhile since I blogged. I guess for a number of different reasons, but I figured today I have a little time so I will. Where to begin? Last time I wrote I just talked about how flying isn’t fun at all. I have been back in Germany for about two weeks now, and it has been great to get back into a routine, but it has been interesting. Honestly, I thought it would be a lot harder coming back than it has been. Partly I think I was just so overly tired that I was too tired to think about being sad, etc. But also I think going home gave me a greater sense of peace knowing that Berlin is where I am supposed to be.

Miss them so much. And Dad too.

This last week has been probably one of the toughest times since I have been here. I am not sure exactly why, but I think I just have felt like more pieces of the onion are being peeled back and because of that I feel exposed and at a place of brokenness. There have been a couple nights where I sit in my room and feel so alone, but there is nothing about me that wants to pick up my phone and text someone or even Skype someone. Where as in most cases I would do that, but the Lord is starting to bring me to this place of just seeking Him rather than busying myself with other things/people or even seeking affirmation from others. I think one of the things I have struggled with most is just feeling understood and here that lacks because you aren’t the same person since you can’t communicate the way you normally would. I think of my team and they probably think I am so shy and quiet because I am an observer. But then it is like when I talk to people from home, etc. I feel misunderstood because you can’t accurately explain how life is over here. That would mean explaining the culture, people; etc., which isn’t the easiest thing to do. Therefore, I guess I just have started to take a step back and just process my emotions with the Lord and wrestle through them.

On Tuesday, we had a team (AIA) meeting and Lisa shared an article with us that I found so true. It was called, “Leave the Cupboard Doors Open”. First of all I could relate because it started out talking about how open cupboards drive her nuts and as many know that is one of my biggest pet peeves is when cupboards are left open or shower curtains. Many times I ask people, how hard is it to shut a drawer or cupboard when you are done using it, but the harder question to ask is, “Why is it harder to leave them open with the mess exposed?” I think of when I lived at home, first thing I did every morning when I would wake up was walk upstairs and first shut the shower curtain after my dad and then shut Heidi’s door to her room to hide the pigsty that always existed. There is something about when we close the door we can pretend it doesn’t exist. This seems irrelevant to life, but in the article it goes on about spiritually how often we want to close the cupboards and find a solution to a problem or difficult time rather than just being okay with the open ended ness to a hard time. We quickly try to find a way to shut the cupboards, which so often can be more detrimental than the problem itself because many times God is using those moments to work in our lives. Then she made a great point that I never realized before and that was often when we go through a hard time whether that is a huge change in life or something as serious as a death in our family, there is always tons of support right in the beginning. Everyone wants to encourage and support you, but then as time goes on the support wears off and when you are struggling and want to talk about it, many people tell you to get over it or move on because it has been so long. They feel that the cupboard doors need to be shut and the mess needs to be hidden. That you should have gotten it together a long time ago, or that maybe you caused the problem yourself. When in reality God is working more than ever through this long, drawn out process and amidst the prayers and searching times don’t become instantly better. She goes on to write that closure is overrated and trying harder to look for an outcome will not make it easier, but rather embrace the open cupboard, deal with the mess, search through it and watch God work in midst of it. It was interesting because I had just been studying this scripture recently, which is Lamentations 3:1-24 and especially Lamentations 3:22-23, which says, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” I love these verses. They have been such a comfort to me throughout the last week.

So if you are reading this, I guess my challenge is to ask yourself what are those cupboard doors in your life that you are trying to rush and close? Maybe the Lord is keeping them open for a reason and don’t let people around you pressure you to overcome the hard time or find a quick solution, rather seek the Lord and watch Him work in your life in ways that He has never done before. It is hard and messy, and trust me I don’t like doing it, but I think in the end it will be that much sweeter.

On a lighter note, I saw the pirate again the other day walking near my house. I was so close to asking him for a photo, but I didn’t know if he would be offended. Maybe next time. It is starting to feel like fall here, which I guess it never felt completely like summer, but it makes sleeping nice. Below is a picture of something I really want to do in Germany. I saw it on a friend’s wall and I am determined to do it sometime in Hamburg.

Walk Water Balls