Glücklich blog.

So I get an email from my mom the other day and she writes. “I read your blog. Hope your day is going better. Write a happy blog.” I laughed to myself and thought, A. Ok, Mom. (literally) B. Moms are usually right. C. Good sentence formation. So I guess this is my “happy blog” just for you Mom. Life has been crazy, busy lately I guess, but I look back sometimes and don’t even know where the days go. I have been more tired than ever and sometimes wonder if I have mono even though I know I don’t. Since coming back to Spain, the Lord has really been rocking my world and challenging me. It all started in Spain where the Lord just completely broke me and made me realize how much I don’t trust Him with certain areas of my life.

I have just been anxious in so many areas, whether that is getting healing, or just knowing what my future holds. I have realized more and more since coming to Germany, how much being an athlete all my life and having the “athlete” mindset, often carries over into my spiritual life. I am a do-er. I am goal oriented. I am high strung. I like to- do lists (I am the person that writes, “Make my bed” on a to-do list just so I can cross it off).  I like to conquer things. I like to overcome challenges. I will work as hard as I need to get the job done. I will do what I need to do to beat adversity. All of these sound like good things in a lot of aspects of life. But when it comes to my walk with the Lord lately I am realizing how much it hinders me. The Lord has revealed many things that I want to work on, whether that is pride, comparing myself to others, prayer life, etc. I am realizing that all these things I can’t conquer and that drives me absolutely crazy. I want to be able to check things of the list of overcoming them and not worry about them. The problem is that isn’t really how things like this work, because in all reality most of those things I will never “overcome” because as humans we are innately prideful and selfish beings, but with the power of the Holy Spirit in us we can live a Spirit filled life where these things do not consume us. We can learn to walk in the Spirit. All in all the Lord has brought me to this place of being so overwhelmed with all these things I want to fix and overcome that really all I can do is be broken before Him and just surrender my life. I am working on just resting in the Lord’s presence and learning to truly trust Him. It is easy to say I trust the Lord, but I think actually believing it is a whole different story and I guess that is where I am. What areas of my life do I truly trust the Lord with and what areas do I not?

After talking to a few different people about this and just verbally processing with them, one in particular challenged me to really go back to the basics of Christ. And that is salvation and what Christ did for us on the cross. There are so many days that I go without thinking about what Jesus did for me on the cross, when in all reality that is the foundation of why we are here and what our purpose is on this Earth. My friend also challenged to me to just sit and meditate on God’s sovereignty rather than getting caught up in the to-do list of being a Christian. Going to church, having a quiet time, journaling, discipleship are all great things, but at the same time if they are only on my to-do list, then I am missing the point. Since I have grown up in a Christian home and been a believer since I can remember, I think often I know all the right things to say and do rather than to really focus on my personal walk with the Lord and His love for me. Do I truly believe that the Lord loves me? That He is sovereign over everything and has my BEST interest in mind? I watched this little clip from Brennan Manning this morning after I listed to a great sermon on comparing you to others and it really hit home with me. Also another friend shared a song with me that I have listened to every day since he told me and it somewhat sums up what I have been feeling. Lastly, the verse that I have really clung to in the last week is, 1 Corinthians 1:25, “For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” No matter how much of a do-er I am, God’s doing is always going to be better than mine. He is sovereign and His way is better, now just believing His truths and learning to rest in His presence. 

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag Jayna!

Well first I will start off with Happy Valentine’s Day! Woohoo! Yes, I do think that this is a pointless holiday, but it is not because I am single and feel bad for myself. It is just so overdone and commercialized. It isn’t that way in Germany as much and sometimes today I wondered if people even knew it was February 14^th. February 14^th is important for another reason because it is Jayna’s birthday! Poor girl, how much would it suck to have your birthday on Valentine’s Day, when everyone is busy going on dates and forgets to celebrate your special day. Regardless, Valentine’s Day or not, the last two days have been two of those days when nothing seems to go right.

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment and I don’t know why but whenever I go to the doctor and it is in German I just want to cry. Not because I am in pain, but because I am so frustrated with the fact that I can’t communicate over important matters. It is the time when I feel as if I cannot express myself. My German is good enough to communicate, but it is not like I learn doctor terms in my German class. All I know is that I was there and I had thought the doctor told me to take my pants off so he could look, but I guess he didn’t so I probably looked like a freak. Then he got a shot and I was unsure what was in the shot or why I needed it, but I just went with it. He said to not panic, so I guess I didn’t. After that fiasco, I was headed to my director and his wives house for prayer and to hang out there for the night, which is about an hour from where I was. About two train stations away I found out that I am supposed to go to watch our practice game (let me remind you it is outside), which was on the other side of town in about two hours. So that left me about 45 minutes with Kevin and Lisa. Annoying. Oh well though. Finally got home from my day at about 10:15 pm and just crawled into bed.

Today started out great and I Skyped with Jayna before German class (9 hour time difference is the worst). After German class, I went grocery shopping to get supplies to bake a dessert for my brother’s birthday party tomorrow and to make homemade tomato soup. I was making a peppermint chocolate dessert that my mom always makes. The problem is they don’t have cool whip in Germany, so last time my host sister and I had to improvise and make it by mixing these other two ingredients. Once I began I realized the middle layer needed to be mixed with cool whip, so I mixed the ingredients and then realized I didn’t have an electric beater, so I tried stirring as fast as possible. Didn’t work (I think the air needs to get in and make it fluffy or something). Next I tried putting the lid on the bowl and shaking it as much as possible. Didn’t work. I quit and just mixed in the runny liquid. The bottom layer is supposed to be crushed up vanilla wafers, which I found something similar, so like Paul Bunyan I was hammering away. Then I had to crush Candy Canes (my mom brought from America) to put in this layer. They were a little large in size, but hopefully nobody breaks a tooth. Then came the next layer, which is chocolate pudding. I thought, "Okay, there is no way you screw this up. “I mean what I could translate from the directions I figured I knew what to do. Guess I still am not sure where I went wrong. Pretty much I have a liter of chocolate soupy pudding sitting on the stove with floating chocolate chunks. I thought maybe it needed to sit to thicken. Yeah, that didn’t happen either. After that I quit the cake and tomorrow I will buy already chilled pudding and use that. The cool whip layer I will hopefully figure out at my host family. Seriously I am done trying to bake and cook in this country. I was literally grunting and yelling in my kitchen.

Up to this point I was somewhat over it. I figured now for my lunch. Tomato soup. Can’t screw that up. I went to open the cans and either I am stupid or the can opener is stupid. It didn’t work. I tried for like 15 minutes. At this point I was so frustrated that I was about to hammer the lid in. Instead I decided to walk to the store and get a can opener. Little did I know they are NO WHERE to be sold. I went to one grocery store, didn’t have any. Then I went to two places that have EVERYTHING, and by everything I mean everything but a can opener. Then I walked the entire street of stores that I by my house and there was NOTHING. So I went into this designer store called KaDeWe, which is huge. Well let me tell ya, they had a can opener. For 40 euros. I was desperate, but not that desperate. So last resort I decided to hit up the grocery store I had already been to today, and sure enough they had one. Now that I had spent 45 minutes walking all over to find a stupid can opener. I got home, made my soup, ate it, looked at my runny pudding and disaster dessert and took a nap. Only to wake up and write this blog. It is one of those days where you just need a big hug from someone who knows you. I had planned on writing my next blog about what God has been teaching me, but then today happened and I think he was trying to teach me patience, which I lack. My day doesn’t even sound that bad probably, and it wasn’t compared to most people, but the things just added onto each other. My next blog will be about what I have been learning. 

Malaga, Ner-JA, Gibraltar, Irish Annie's

Where to begin? It has been awhile since I blogged about current life since the previous posts were all about my Europe trip. Yesterday I just returned from Spain for our midyear CRU conference, where all the STINTers and International Campus staff that are long term meet in Nerja, Spain to get refreshed and just get “coached”. I traveled last Thursday with the rest of the Berlin STINT team to Malaga, Spain a couple days early because of flight scheduling. There were about 14 of us that went, so it was quite the large group for traveling. We stayed at a hostel in Malaga for two nights and did some different tourist things on Friday. We went and say the Roman Theatre and the castle there, which were both really cool. Malaga is right on the Mediterranean Sea and it was an incredible view. It was interesting traveling with such a large group because I am not use to being around so many people. I do many things alone in life, so waiting for a large group to make decisions definitely was a patience tester at times. There were tons of cute shops and coffee shops that we went to in Malaga and just relaxed. I hurt my knee in soccer training last Tuesday and the team physio said I strained my LCL, so I was supposed to take it easy, which is hard to do when you are walking everywhere. I think one of the BEST parts of Malaga was that there was Taco Bell, so we ate there twice. It was SOOOO good. One of the girls that we were with shrieked so loud when she saw it because it is her favorite. They even had a one Euro menu. Boom baby!

It was so hard to remember to not speak in German. I kept saying Danke or responding with German numbers. Then I would said the wrong Spanish words because all I really know is "Como tse de tse?" or whatever that is, but then I realized that just means, "how do you say?" So it didn't help me much. Pretty much every waiter or waitress looked at me as if I was crazy.

Flat Stanley and I in Malaga

Steffi at TBell!

On Saturday, we had to meet at the Malaga airport to get bussed to Nerja (pronounced with a silent “j” even though I liked to call it NER-JA) for the conference. When we arrived at the airport it was super overwhelming, and seriously it was a few too many Americans at one time. I mean when you haven’t spent time with a lot of Americans and then you are thrown into a room with 150 of them, it is a bit much. It was weird being around only English. We loaded up on the busses though and 90 minutes later arrived in Nerja. After registration, we went to our rooms and if only you could have seen the sight from the balcony of our hotel. It was breathtaking. I got to room with my college teammate who does ministry in Paris, so that was so MUCH fun. Someone that really knows you and just being able to talk about life and not have to give all the background details.

The view from our Hotel balcony (and Flat Stanley)

The whole week was just so refreshing, but at the same time hard because the Lord really revealed a lot to me (which will be in my next blog post). I met so many cool people that are serving all over Europe and even in the Middle East. It was neat seeing how many people are experiencing the same things in a sense and just being able to relate to them. One highlight was the English worship music. I guess the little things in life. My coach (the person that comes from the states and spends time with you to see how you are doing, etc.) brought me Oreos and Reese’s. Boo yah! It is funny how much we all just crave the same things. There were only 4 AIA STINTers there so at times the lessons didn’t relate to us because we aren’t on a campus launching a movement or anything. It is funny how many people don’t even know that AIA exists or exactly what we do. The rules are different for us and I guess a lot more flexible because there are less of us, so it was humorous having people be like, “So, wait you do what? You play soccer in Germany? and you have been there since March?” The typical STINT year is Sept to June and then you go home to raise support in the summer for your second year if you want to come back. After two years you have to decide if you want to join staff.

All of us at Irish Annie's

Every night after our evening session, we would go to this pub called Irish Annie’s. I think our CRU conference is what keeps them in business for the rest of the year. Not really, but maybe. Anyways, we would just all hang out, drink beer (or Sangria because we were in Spain) and talk. Or play categories. I think that is what I love about Europe and serving overseas is that drinking a beer or two isn’t a big deal. Whereas most likely when you put 200 CRU people in the states together, they wouldn’t sit around a drink beer together over good conversation. The context of drinking and being a Christian is just so culturally different I guess.

One night we were hanging out at the hotel and we heard Spanish music so we went to check it out and it was this dance party. I think the style of dance is called Flamenco, pretty much you twist your wrists and wiggle your hips. Both of I clearly suck at. I walked in and all of a sudden these people put a cowboy hat on me, a lei, and a boa, and a hula skirt. It was like "Hawaiian Gone Western" and these old Spanish men would come up and dance with us. It was hilarious and seriously one of the weirdest things I have ever participated in, but it was hilarious and fun.

"Hawaiian Gone Western" dance night

I went swimming in the Mediterranean Sea one day. It was FREEZING, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. Seriously after all the oceans or seas I have swum in you would think I would learn to close my mouth when diving in, but clearly I haven’t learned. I always end up getting a mouthful of salt water. Gross. We had to wear our onesies at the conference since it was a CRU event. I always laugh to myself because many Europeans probably know we are Americans by the fact that we are wearing one pieces since lots of people hang out nude on the beach.  One day we could choose between going to Gibraltar and Sevilla. I decided to go to Gibraltar because I wanted monkeys to climb on me. J Plus people spoke English and from the Rock you could see Africa, Spain and be in the United Kingdom. I finally got a monkey to jump on my head. It kind of pulled my hair, but it was worth it. This kid Sage I met, he got bit because he was trying to high five the monkey and then the monkey decided he didn’t want to high five anymore. Haha. It was definitely refreshing being able to use sarcasm for the week though and just joke around.

The Rock at Gibraltar (and Flat Stanley)

Monkey on my head.

The lessons and talks were really good. I will blog later and write more about what I learned and what God has been teaching me. He definitely rocked my world in certain aspects and put things in perspective. I came back feeling somewhat refreshed even though I didn’t get much sleep there, but refreshed with knowing this is where the Lord wants me and He is using me to further His Kingdom. But more to come next time.