Glücklich blog.

So I get an email from my mom the other day and she writes. “I read your blog. Hope your day is going better. Write a happy blog.” I laughed to myself and thought, A. Ok, Mom. (literally) B. Moms are usually right. C. Good sentence formation. So I guess this is my “happy blog” just for you Mom. Life has been crazy, busy lately I guess, but I look back sometimes and don’t even know where the days go. I have been more tired than ever and sometimes wonder if I have mono even though I know I don’t. Since coming back to Spain, the Lord has really been rocking my world and challenging me. It all started in Spain where the Lord just completely broke me and made me realize how much I don’t trust Him with certain areas of my life.

I have just been anxious in so many areas, whether that is getting healing, or just knowing what my future holds. I have realized more and more since coming to Germany, how much being an athlete all my life and having the “athlete” mindset, often carries over into my spiritual life. I am a do-er. I am goal oriented. I am high strung. I like to- do lists (I am the person that writes, “Make my bed” on a to-do list just so I can cross it off).  I like to conquer things. I like to overcome challenges. I will work as hard as I need to get the job done. I will do what I need to do to beat adversity. All of these sound like good things in a lot of aspects of life. But when it comes to my walk with the Lord lately I am realizing how much it hinders me. The Lord has revealed many things that I want to work on, whether that is pride, comparing myself to others, prayer life, etc. I am realizing that all these things I can’t conquer and that drives me absolutely crazy. I want to be able to check things of the list of overcoming them and not worry about them. The problem is that isn’t really how things like this work, because in all reality most of those things I will never “overcome” because as humans we are innately prideful and selfish beings, but with the power of the Holy Spirit in us we can live a Spirit filled life where these things do not consume us. We can learn to walk in the Spirit. All in all the Lord has brought me to this place of being so overwhelmed with all these things I want to fix and overcome that really all I can do is be broken before Him and just surrender my life. I am working on just resting in the Lord’s presence and learning to truly trust Him. It is easy to say I trust the Lord, but I think actually believing it is a whole different story and I guess that is where I am. What areas of my life do I truly trust the Lord with and what areas do I not?

After talking to a few different people about this and just verbally processing with them, one in particular challenged me to really go back to the basics of Christ. And that is salvation and what Christ did for us on the cross. There are so many days that I go without thinking about what Jesus did for me on the cross, when in all reality that is the foundation of why we are here and what our purpose is on this Earth. My friend also challenged to me to just sit and meditate on God’s sovereignty rather than getting caught up in the to-do list of being a Christian. Going to church, having a quiet time, journaling, discipleship are all great things, but at the same time if they are only on my to-do list, then I am missing the point. Since I have grown up in a Christian home and been a believer since I can remember, I think often I know all the right things to say and do rather than to really focus on my personal walk with the Lord and His love for me. Do I truly believe that the Lord loves me? That He is sovereign over everything and has my BEST interest in mind? I watched this little clip from Brennan Manning this morning after I listed to a great sermon on comparing you to others and it really hit home with me. Also another friend shared a song with me that I have listened to every day since he told me and it somewhat sums up what I have been feeling. Lastly, the verse that I have really clung to in the last week is, 1 Corinthians 1:25, “For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.” No matter how much of a do-er I am, God’s doing is always going to be better than mine. He is sovereign and His way is better, now just believing His truths and learning to rest in His presence.