Leben



Three weeks from today I get to see them! :)

If you don’t know me that well then this post you may not follow or care to follow for that matter, but that is okay. I tend to just inform people of the events of my life and then say that I will tell you what I am feeling or thinking in the next post, but never get to it. So here it goes. LIFE. Sometimes I wonder what happened to sitting on letter “Q” in Kindergarten and not having a worry in the world. Or often I just watch kids on the train or where ever and how they hate napping and think to myself if only you knew how much you would want this nap later in life. Crazy how things are just the opposite as you get older. That was kind of a side tangent I guess, but yeah to be quite frank, it has been hard the last week over here. Starting soccer added a whole different element to my life obviously and honestly is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. You probably think that sounds crazy, but I never would have imagined either. Looking back on before I came here I always just thought soccer is soccer, the ball is round in America and it is round in Germany so just play. Which is true to a certain extent, but that doesn’t account for the communication part of it. It isn’t even that it is physically that hard as much as it is mentally and emotionally. God has been challenging me on different aspects like: why do I play soccer, and where does my identity lie and do I only like it when I am the best. I have sat through, given and heard so many times about playing for the glory of God and using your talents that He has blessed you with as an act of worship. All of this is so easy to say, but so hard to do and I have realized this in a whole new light.

I look back on last week’s practices and there were times where I literally wanted to just start crying on the field. Let me remind you my coaches speak next to no English, and some of the girls do but it is a lot to ask someone to translate everything for you, so in reality I find out a tenth of what goes on. I am always a step behind because I have to watch first, which sounds like not a big deal, but there really isn’t sympathy for that. Not to mention the game of soccer is a lot different of a game over here and so often I want to ask where I should be or what I should be doing, but I can’t. I never realized how much receiving the little bits of affirmation from your coaches actually helped affirm if you are doing the right or wrong thing. I get so nervous because I don’t want to let people down and then I play bad and then I do let people down so it’s this cycle. Satan was attacking me like crazy and just putting thoughts in my head that these girls won’t like me if I am not good, and then I will be known as the “bad American”. It all sounds so stupid, but it is intimidating walking onto a team of 25 girls and not speaking the same language. After this practice in particular I was just wrestling with the Lord in my head the whole way home.  Literally having a dialogue with myself.  Being like, ok Elizabeth why do you care if they think you are good? And what if you do never step on the field? Then I would catch myself thinking, but I am better than that girl and she plays, but then getting mad at myself thinking why do you have to put her down to make yourself feel better. Honestly just a battle in my head and then just wrestling with, do you only like soccer when you are the best and when it comes easy. Because honestly at this point, I just have to be mentally tough, show up and play and even if I get no feedback I just have to continue to guess what I am supposed to do. I have really challenged myself to be in constant prayer throughout practice though and pray for patience. The girls are all nice and some do speak English with me, but I lack confidence with my German and get really nervous, which hopefully I will overcome with time. This all might not make sense to you, but I guess for the first time I realized deep down at the root of me I have to know that in every aspect of my life my identity in the Lord. Even when things aren’t easy and I am not the best, because if you know me, you know that I do like to be the best at things and I hate being bad at things. The Lord is humbling me though and I am learning so much through soccer.

On top of all that, I have been reading a book called, “What’s so Amazing About Grace?” by Philip Yancey, which is really good. It has taught me a lot about what it looks like to love “different people” and in the world we live where it is so unnatural to extend grace how we can do it and why we should. Also how so often as much as we don’t want to admit it, we sin knowing that the Lord will forgive us. But like in Romans 6:1-2 it says, “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means!” and a huge part that many people forget about grace is that we have to receive it. This is through repentance and when we repent we are in a defenseless state. It is crazy though to think how often I can live life and forget to truly repent and be “defenseless”. To me that is like going into battle without a weapon and instead I choose to justify rather than become defenseless before the Lord. Grace is something I struggle with wrapping my head around and that it is a free gift. Then you put the whole Grace vs. Truth in the mix and it’s a whole different conversation. Well there are a lot more things that the Lord has been revealing to me, but this is a glimpse into my life. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I am crazy. At the end of the day, even though life can be hard, God is good and I want to be able to say that I picked up my cross, denied myself, and chased hard after the Lord.